I am scared of being a boring adult

It is an unwritten custom amongst our school that the year twelves will have one muck-up assembly towards the end of term three.

In this assembly, they simply have fun- in the past, this has varied from beach balls being thrown around, school songs being sung at an unattainably fast and high pitch, Thriller dance mobs.

There is also an annual video, with teachers (principal and deputy included) lip-syncing, dancing(albeit not at a professional level), and generally messing around, to a song of the year twelve's choice. This year, it was Taylor Swift's Shake it off.

There are some teachers who the school has grown to love, and know will always appear in these annual videos.

Some looked a little stiff in the video, but they participated at the very least. There are also some teachers who I know will never go within one hundred metres metres of that stuff.

That got me thinking: would I do that? If I was an adult teacher? If students approached me, asking me to let my hair down and mess around to some annoying pop song, would I?

If you ask me now, at age fifteen, of course I would. But would I, in my late twenties or older, do that?

Of course I would like to say that future me would, because I like to think aspects of my personality that I like- such as my ability to let go and be a little shameless and somewhat daring (from time to time) will stay with me for life.

Especially because I, as a person, am not very good at bringing out the in my by myself- I need a person, an event, any triggers- to bring out this fun in me.

I realise, that as I grow up and learn how to adult, I will definitely face problems. There will be setbacks, dilemmas, painful realisations. Blood, sweat and tears.

I am frightened not by the prospects of these challenges, but the effects they may have on me. How my character will manage them, and how my character may be altered from these future challenges.

I know I may face an uphill battle. Some of my health problems are incurable. I have a fiery temper. I have an over-inflated ego, yet possess no talent to have anything worthy of appraisal. The ability to truly go out of my way for things provided they interest me, contrasting my tendency to completely discard something that I abhor. (I believe my business studies report is overdue by approximately one month, and I skipped a day off school to hide in the textiles room and finish my garment-seven harrowing hours.)

I have learnt over the course of my life that these aspects of my personality are neither positive not negative. They are a double edged sword, to be handled carefully.

Managed correctly, I know I will be on top of my game. Managed incorrectly- I dare not imagine. I have had particular aspects of my personality affect my life negatively in the past. (Which, had I properly managed it, could've had a positive effect.) The idea of all my traits turning on me is not a pleasant one.

They may change me into a cynical woman, jaded. They might strip me of my ability to let go and have a little fun from time to time. Good old, childish fun.

I do not know if I will have children. I lean towards the idea of not having them. But should I, I do not want an imposing, cynical parent- possibly future me- raising them. My temper could snap at them. My ego could push their achievements and what should be their moments of pride down. I want them- all children as a matter of fact- to grow up in a vibrant, supportive and loving household.

I've heard inspirational quotes about how you can be resilient and remain unaffected by change. Maya Angelou (may she rest in peace,) a strong woman I look up to, supposedly once said "You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them."

I know that right now, I can stick to that phrase. I know that I am not emotionally strong, but I do know I am resilient, and I pride myself on that. I cannot easily say that future me will. I do not know her yet, yet everything I do will have a part in her formation, which is why I am trying to build a future me who I won't hate.

I just don't want to be a boring adult.