Life at home update+school slam poetry

Well as my last post said, my relationship with my parents wasn't going too well and i really just took some time off to get some me-time. I still get a bit of a subconscious reminder to add "biological" when I refer to them, but I don't, simply because explaining why I do that to curious listeners is too time consuming.

It's calmed down a little I suppose. I'm more efficient around the house now. I'm punctual with my arrivals for dinner, waking up on time, exercising, cleaning up after myself.

Not for their sake, but rather for my own; developing habits which make me tardy on a daily basis are habits I'd hate to develop so I believe it best if I tried further consolidating my pre-existing good habits.

I also tried to open up to my second oldest sister because I wanted to get a closer relationship with her and that would require me letting some of defences down and making myself open and vulnerable at her mercy.

I tried talking to her about yet another argument I had with my family was she was out with her friends. I wasn't expecting advice or anything. I just wanted to open up, present the situation from my point of view.

She didn't really listen to me I guess; she heard, but she didn't really listen, and there is a difference between the two. Anyways beforehand she didn't seem too interested in hearing what I had to say.

Then when I actually got to talk to her, reaching out, hoping for comfort, hoping or be listened to and comprehended, not just listened to-(there's a difference between the two, y'know?) it was incredibly disappointing.

Yet when the moment came, and I just told her a little bit about the argument with my parents and I was about to explain how I always felt so misunderstood and disregarded, she simply said "well, that's kinda just your fault, isn't it?"

At that point, I just realised, that no matter how hard I would try, whilst me sister and I could go out and talk like old friends, given our mental development in recent years which has bought our mental ages closer than ever, the overall basis of our relationship was still weak.

The way she treated me growing up, how she'd always put me down to make herself feel better, intimidating me into silence, everything- what she did, most of its been lost to memory. The way she made me feel, anguish, upset, self-doubt- I won't forget that.

So after it happened, I penned a small performance poetry piece about it for my upcoming school slam poetry.

On the day of the actual performance that was yesterday, I was a little nervous because I realised two things.

The first was that I had developed an accent. The accent had arisen out of watching a large amount of American slam poetry; slam poetry is still overall a small underground thing in Australia. So when I spoke to perform, I had developed an incredibly poor American-Australian blend.

The second was, because I had left the poem to the last minute, the passion in my performance and the likelyhood of forgetting my lines had a relationship of direct variation.

Upon arriving I noticed there was a music stand so my second problem was gone.

My stupid accent was strong and to took me a few lines to attempt to turn it around.

I don't know... I think the underlying basis of my sister's poor treatment has always been... there in my brain. Yet I've never really considered it due to the fact I was simply too young to really comprehend or think about it when most of it happened, it just lead to a lot of pent up anger, frustration and indignation in my head.

So when I actually got to perform, I guess you could say, at least for me, it was really a performance fifteen years in the making as I just let out fifteen years of-excuse my unrefined language- shit.

All in all I think I just yelled for three minutes and about a quarter way through the play I felt tears beginning to well up. Toward halfway through the performance they were flowing freely down my cheeks and in my final few lines I had to take a momentary break for a breath.

However what I overall think matters is that it was really the first time I opened up about my sister and I in such detail and it feels really good to have really explored and thought about our relationship in such an interesting way.

Afterwards my friends told me I was incredibly brave to have opened up about it in such a way and apparently my performance was emotionally touching enough to make some people cry. I hope they cried because they felt my pain and not because my performance was bad. Fortunately it seems like it is because of the former.

Slam poetry itself seems interesting and I want to attend a few preformances to have a taste of it; I am considering dabbling in it a little bit.

This week in English classes

Our teacher held a number of class preparations for yearly exams using exam papers from previous years, under exam conditions.

My relationship with 'English' as a subject has varied throughout the years. In primary school, English was simply reading comprehension and writing easy things like expositions and narratives. Being an avid reader from a young age, English came naturally to me, and I excelled in it.

In high school, the focus in 'English' as a subject changes. In primary school, it was simple things like similes and comprehension in primary school, where my thirst for reading gave me an edge.

Throughout high school, the amount of books I read slowly decreased. I do not know why. I just... stopped, sometimes going months without reading a book.

This negatively impacted my life. Books, I find, make you a better writer as you are exposed to different author's styles of writing and telling a story. It also broadens your horizon, introducing you to new ideas. All these effects make you a well-learnt, a well-read, a well-educated person.

Anyways, due to my decreased book reading, I lost my natural flair for writing, struggling to write a good essay. Whilst I could write it correctly, following all the basic criteria, it did not come to me with the natural ease writing used to. 

My essays were-and still are- rather crude in comparison to those who truly excel in English. It is not well-written. Sure, it does follow textbook standards for essay writing, touching upon the points with quotes to reinforce my points and whatnot, but it lacks the sophistication and edge one recognises in an essay written by someone who truly understands the essay topic inside out.

I also did not get my mind enriched as much as I used to, due to my decline in book reading. I have not been exposed to many great ideas or scenarios unlike one who is well-read.

Anyways, the tests the teacher gave us- two were written responses to a few questions about a poem, and one was am essay response to a question about "Macbeth."

I surprised myself by doing well- my essay was actually kind of plumped out and nicely filled in, like one written by one who truly understood the text. The poems were within my aptitude.

We peer marked these tests, and my marker, Madison, volunteered to read my response out to the class. The teacher did not ask for volunteers, Madison took it upon herself to do so. As she did, I received a few looks of "woah" from my fellow classmates, and it made me happy. It had been a few years since anything like this has happened.

Given the overall positive response I had to the tests, maybe my English skills are salvageable.

I'm dropping my favorite subject next year

Textiles is not one of my subject choices for year eleven. I am doing English, maths, chemistry, biology and modern history.

My initial preferences would've had textiles take the place of chemistry. However, parental permission and a signature of approval is required for subject choices at my school, and when my mother saw that I had selected textiles, she was not pleased. She refused to sign the note approving my electives, and would not until I removed textiles.

I've been taking textiles as an elective through year nine and ten, and been steadily trying to convince her to allow me to carry on throughout the two years. It has not worked.

What I would've done, if I could've, would been to forge her signature, and entered my own choices. However, textiles does require the purchase of your own materials and notions. I am still financially dependant on my parents; I do not receive an income in any form, and any money I do receive, is saved for outings. I cannot discreetly purchase my textiles requirements, not whilst I am financially dependant.

It's making me very, very sad.

I don't know how I'm going to survive the next two years of school without textiles. I know I'm going to keep sewing at home- I have an industrial sewing machine and a cheap local fabric store- but I do not think I can rely on my home projects to maintain my sanity as well as as textiles as a school subject.

TOM honours+self-reflection on my leadership of TOM team

I am so proud of our team. It was a beautiful way to end my final year of doing TOM. (Year ten is the oldest grade a team member can be.)

Honours, whilst not going through to state championships, is basically a title equivalent to highly commended, and is used sparingly.

Given the rushed circumstances of our long-term challenge presentation (finishing props and learning lines the night before,) I am proud that my team still pulled together to present a play, as well as work co-operatively enough, to receive honours.

My team consisted of two year sevens-Rutika and Phoebe, two year eights-Lucy and Angela, one year nine-Cecile, and two year tens- Evelyn and myself.

As team captain, I viewed the performance and cooperation of our team during the six weeks as a reflection of my own ability to pull together the minds of seven talented and creative people with such varying personalities, and make something wonderful happen with what we had to offer.

We had good ideas. But it was very rushed. I will accept full responsibility for that. I made two blunders:

1. I only made half an hour a week for regular meetings.

In retrospect, I should've held the first two or so meetings in person, so everyone could get to know (or re-know) each other. After everyone was comfortable, I should've just used a lot more email communication to aid in our development and exchange of ideas.

You see, I only wanted meetings where everyone was there, so everyone could stay in the loop about everything. The only day where every single one of our team members was avaliable for a meeting was Wednesday lunchtime. Not good for fast progress.

2. I was reluctant to proceed with an idea unless all seven people agreed.

Because our team was so out-and-about, and hard to get to (some didn't check their emails too frequently, and everyone was busy during most lunches,) this made collective team agreement very slow.

If I could do it again, what I would've done is had the majority of people agree- minimum four people- and go forward. If one of the three objected, they could do speak out. Getting four people's confirmation is faster than seven.

What I liked, which I ultimately think had a huge role to play with our honours, was my risk taking.

I rushedly wrote the script over the course of the weekdays before the TOM weekend. Whilst not the most realistic nor my best work, I do not think I could've really have done better given the circumstances I was under.

Then, two days before the TOM Sunday, Evelyn rewrote the script, nearly competely.

I was in a dilemma. Whilst hers was much better quality than mine, it was just so... late. I was afraid it would not be that familiar to our heads, with such a short notice.

I took the risk. I ditched my play. Evelyn wrote half the script and sent it out Friday night. I finished the other half and sent it out late Saturday afternoon. I spent Saturday night finishing off props and attempting to learn my lines, feeling my sanity trickle away. I felt like an iPhone because my sanity-battery was running very quickly.

The fact I stayed up until 3am, and woke up at 6am did not help at all. (As soon as I arrived home later that afternoon, I showered and slept for three hours. Amazing three hours.)

However, I think it was a good risk as it was a much better quality performance.

I thank my team for making my last year so awesome and worthwhile.

Tournament of minds is tomorrow

Excited. It's my last year ever doing it. I love my team this year and working with them has been enjoyable. They have given me a worthwhile experience as their team captain, and I hope they can say the same about me.